The Ring Theory-Finding Your Circle of Support
The Ring Theory was created by breast cancer survivor and clinical psychologist, Dr. Susan Silk Ph.D., and arbitrator/mediator, Barry Goldman. The gist of it is this: Comfort in. Dump out. Who you comfort, and who you “dump” your grief on (in other words, who comforts you) will determine what circle of support you reside in.
Take out a piece of paper. In the middle of the page, draw a small circle. Label it with the patient’s name. The patient is in the center circle of support because the patient is the center of their cancer universe. It is everyone else’s job to support them. No one is allowed to dump on the patient. What does that mean?
The Patient- The Center
When Karen, a breast cancer patient was no longer able to bring meals to neighborhood functions or help with the kids’ school activities, people remarked at how hard it was without her, since they depended on her. Often, people say things like this to let the patient know they are important. However, this added a new layer of guilt to Karen’s shoulders, even though that was never the speakers’ intentions. So, don’t say anything to the patient regarding the effects of his/her cancer on you. Instead, listen to and comfort the patient. It’s about them—not you.
Circle of Support for a Spouse/Caregiver
What about their spouse or caregiver? They’re next in line for support. Draw another circle around the “patient” circle. That’s the “spouse/caregiver” ring. Only the patient is allowed to dump The spouse or caregiver. Anyone else should listen to and comfort the spouse or caregiver. So, it’s about the caregiver/spouse too—not you.
Circle of Support for Other Immediate Family Members
Next, draw another circle around the first, which will represent the immediate family. Immediate family can vent to anyone other than the patient and the spouse/caregiver.
One thing to note is that immediate family can vent with one another. They all share the same concerns and are able to comfort one another in a unique and special way.
Circle of Support for Extended Family, Friends, and Colleagues
Draw a fourth circle around the immediate family circle. This one represents extended family and close friends.
A fifth circle will represent colleagues and friends. Each subsequent circle of people is a little more distant from the patient and their situation.
You never want to dump on or vent to someone in a circle closer to the patient than the circle you’re in. For example, a friend would not dump on a parent or a spouse. They could, however, talk to another friend, or someone outside of the situation.
Circle of Support for Lookie-Loos
Lookie-Loos reside on the outer edge of the rings. These are people who have nothing at stake. They are the grocer or the guy that visits your garage sale, someone from church who hasn’t spoken to the patient or caregiver in months, or someone who happened to come upon the patient or caregiver’s blog.
Lookie-Loos can keep their thoughts to themselves. They aren’t allowed to dump on anyone, but they can offer comfort. In fact, many times, a lookie-loo has been a great source of encouragement to our family.
It’s Etiquette that Works in any Crisis
Hopefully, this explains in a nutshell, the etiquette of who to comfort (anyone who is hurting), and who to dump on (only people in a circle larger than yours—and never the patient).
Dumping or venting is anything that isn’t solely and directly supportive. Remember the adage, “It’s not about me.” While it may affect you, dumping on anyone in a circle closer to the patient than you are, can be seen as insensitive, selfish, and tacky, even when said with the best of intentions.
By the way, this works for any crisis someone may go through, health, financial, marital, etc.
This information and more is found in my book Facing Cancer as a Friend: How to Support Someone Who Has Cancer.
I am an author, writer, and speaker and homeschooling mom of 3. My husband, Dan has battled stage IV lung cancer since 2012. I help cancer patients and their families advocate for themselves and live life to the fullest, despite their illness.
My goal is to help people face cancer with grace.
My book Facing Cancer as a Friend: How to Support Someone Who Has Cancer, is available on Amazon.com.